Do I have a gift or am I crazy?

[Nicolina]

TW if required: mention of sexual abuse

My (20F) earliest memory is laying down in my crib and a figure coming out of the wall leaning over me. He is accompanied by colorful snakes that come out of my bright yellow walls through my nightlight. He terrorized me every night. When I was older my mom told me she had to tape my clothes on my body or they would be taken off every night. She also said that the man who had lived in this house before they bought it was arrested for making CP. We moved out of this house when I was about 3.

Growing up I had very few friends but i frequently talked to the shadows under trees in my backyard. They told me they were children who had died, but didn’t tell me how. I once mentioned it to my mom, who told me to “stop talking to the demons immediately”. That was when I developed a fear of all things spiritual. I was about 8 years old at that time, and didn’t see anything strange until middle school.

When I was 13, I was overcome with visions of terrifying creatures. There were giant spiders, and people who crawled on the ceiling whose bodies had been twisted into horrible shapes, with sharp teeth and black eyes. I used grounding techniques I had learned in therapy to make them go away at least for a while. But to this day when I’m tired and lose control of my thoughts I will still see and hear things other people can’t. Sometimes it’s bugs crawling on me, sometimes it’s a voice calling my name when I’m in an empty hallway, or a scratching inside the walls when I’m alone at night.

I’m very sensitive to the emotions of people around me and sometimes I become overwhelmed with anxiety because of what I feel coming from other people. I’ve been diagnosed with psychosis (though I didn’t tell the doctors much about this at all).

I’ve recently started studying witchcraft (I was too afraid to before) but I feel a calling to reconnect with the spiritual world – still I’m too afraid that I will lose control and see terrible things or get hurt by a malicious spirit. I don’t sleep very well, never have, and was afraid to turn my lights off last night so I stayed up and slept only when the sun rose.

I sometimes have a good intuition for things but they are not always accurate. For example I predicted my dad was going to die in his home within the next 6 months, but then one of his friends died in his home a few months after.

No one else in my family had experiences like this to my knowledge, but I know I have some relatives on my dads side who are diagnosed schizophrenics. Unfortunately I do not talk to that side of the family, so I’m just coming to the Internet to see if anyone knows what my experiences sound like, and what my next steps should be. I do take antipsychotics for a mood disorder and have found that I still see and hear things other people do not, often when I’m tired or very stressed out or otherwise vulnerable.

Discussion

[c-shadrach]

Hi!

It’s absolutley okay to seek mental health professionals to just talk and ask about things like hereditary diagnosis! And it’s okay to have both – mental health diagnosis and a strong spiritual sense!

I read a book recently by Mari Lutes, Is This a Spiritual Awakening? Or My Bipolar?

It addressed your concerns!

Anyways, I want to say that as our opinions and feelings change from positive to negative about the spirit world, that it can change what we allow into our spiritual sphere. So it sounds like, when you didnt feel negative, you didnt have negativity associated with your spiritual sense. (talking about the passed children).

I don’t know a lot about witchcraft, so I will speak from my own belief system. Take what you want; leave the rest!

When I feel that what I’m seeing or hearing is negative, whether it is or if I feel it is, I surround myself with White Light and say the Lord’s Prayer, imagining being surrounded by an impenatrable iron wall with White Light of the Holy Spirit on the inside of the wall. I then tell the spirit and my own Angels that if what I’m seeing IS negative, that they need to leave and to keep me “shutdown” spiritual until the entity moves on. Then I say, “if you are positive and full of White Light, come to me in the daylight (or through a more positive means)”.

That helps me a lot. Unfortunatly, when you’re as open as you are and for so long, it’s hard to stay “shut down” until the negativity leaves. I wish you lots of love and lots of light on your journey!!!!<3

[Deioness]

Try working with crystals. I wear some all the time. Even if it’s only psychosomatic, I feel like they’re a barrier of protection for when I’m not actively focused on it myself. Get a black tourmaline necklace from Etsy.