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Forums Forums Mediums i’m feeling stunted? meditation and mind’s eye isn’t revealing the issue

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    this is very rambly and i apologize in advance! :<
    i do thank you sincerely for being patient with me, though, communication has always been a difficult thing for me to do! many thoughts, words tough

    i'm pretty new to the meditation part as i've never been the patient type for it but i think i'm getting the hang of it and after my initial incident i shared here, i had deep cleansed my room from bed to everything i could see in my mind's eye with 'fumes'/weird black mist off it, stuff that innately felt off. i cleansed my body from pulling out this terrible gunk and bugs depicted that were wound in me, there was a lot. repaired some select chakra that caked filth on them. (my mind, throat, heart, and root were filthy, the rest, dulled and scuffed a little. :[ ) sealed visual cracks that i've physically felt and i've gotten to the point where i repaired myself pretty well, it's just the remembering and traumatic experience i'm slowly realizing and unpacking everyday throughout.

    on the good side of things, i can detect what's my intrusive thought pattern and what's something's because i feel this pressure whenever 'it'/my intention to speak pauses my own thoughts and lurches forward even slightly in my throat. dunno if it's a throat chakra or what but the difference is apparent to me. this is alarming as before when i allowed the instance of something to inhabit me, happened- i was bombarded with intrusive thoughts. it was to the point it was nearly EVERYTIME i thought something and it led me to suspect if the spirit was changing its voice to suit mine (as it had from a feminine to masculine one and warped one often) to chime in with the intrusive and harmful ones. because at some points i never felt that tell of a lurch in my throat and it confused me because the voice was clear and repeating, adamant about what was being said.
    it makes me lament at how comfortable it was to say that, because if it said that to me and about me, what did it think of itself? i can't dwell on sympathy long as what actions it did was terrible but when i didn't know any better before the end of that encounter, it never took compliments from me, offerings, insisted it didn't deserve any of it and it was heartbreaking at the time when i did love (not romantically, general) them.

    it was very quiet, mentally immediately after expelling it and it sincerely made me wonder how much of that was myself throughout 20+ years of internally battling intrusive thoughts, thinking most of those thoughts were by me (which they aren't, it's a learned internalized pattern through fear & denying of good upon myself/my own interpretation of it). sure, a good sum but what was amplified externally because outsiders saw mirth in internal grief?

    returning to this odd hunch, [*also discerning the spirit came back, i can't sense that energy at all for the past couple days (thankfully) and know with confidence they won't]

    it's really strange because for the past couple days i have been fine/ in tune with feeling myself better but a night ago i was trying to calm myself down to remind myself that i warded and deep cleansed my area, things were fine and i knew this but my anxiety kept insisting. i feel like something heard that internal worry and i want to say with confidence it didn't because i know it couldn't have because i warded and protected myself (but then i remembered that doesn't necessarily stop communication but AUGH- i made sure i didn't want any visitors or random talks for a little while i'm healing and studying this practice better so i don't pitfall again) but i felt this really odd calming balm on me like something was touching me widespread and it just felt like an urge to give up/not try so hard with doing anything spirituality.

    i don't want to even implore or allow myself to think that's my higher self soothing me because i've dealt with a couple spirits during the cleansing process that came and went and once i confronted them lying they confessed. there's this small fear i'm dealing with something above my skill level of which- isn't all that great yet and i really don't want to deal with anything hands on until i'm certain i can get back in it but i feel like i have to deal with this now because i can't protect, or center, or shield AS well as i did a few days ago. it was pretty apparent/i could feel my third eye but now, it definitely feels like there's a block or wall preventing me from going the threshold i could before, especially right on my mind's eye like an invisible wall in a video game. :[

    i checked via mediation and i don't sense anything, i made sure to do permissions with whom is allowed in my space to ask around but no response i could hear or see in my mind's eye came forward. i feel pressure at the center? like the solar plexus chakra but i visually checked that and it's bright like a sun- almost too bright but i think i'm just not used to it being so intense, so i'm confused. x[

    i'm a very stubborn person if i set my mind to it so i'm not going to toss in the towel/let whatever influence is dampening me, do that and i'll meditate some more to sift around but this is definitely a whole limitation shift i'm feeling since that night after i was worrying. the anxiety's long gone and i'm beginning to move more comfortably in my space but this limitation is felt! :[

    is it normal to feel blockage or maybe i need to do more shadow work? it's like the feeling of a throat being too choked up to speak or like holding your breath, kinda widespread tension if i hone in on areas of myself. might be related to chakras but those look fine so? 🤷‍♂️ *confusion noise*

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