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Discussion
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My son is living with my mom for his senior year because I moved closer to the schools my other kids attend 150 miles away. This week was her first time attending a parent-teacher conference in decades. His English teacher ipened their conversation with “I suspected “Kid name” was raised by strong women.” My mom says “Well yes, thank you.” He then rolls into how my kid is struggling because he doesn’t understand the emotional nuance in the reading material even though he reads very quickly and has excellent retention. It is a standard English class and the teacher is also confused because almost all my kid’s other classes are AP or IB and he is getting good grades in them. In fact, his other teachers could not say enough good things about him as a student.
Mom kept her cool and explained that kid has unofficially diagnosed autism. (He is also passing the class with a B, so there is actually no problem.) The teacher then ended the conference. Did not want to hear that isn’t my or my mom’s fault that my kid struggles with understanding feeling conveyed indirectly in text.
Before anyone gets on me about not having my kid’s diagnosis wrapped up and presented to his school – I was in the process when it became obvious that the public schools I had enrolled him in before high school could NOT handle my kid in a respectful, helpful, or compassionate way. School stressed him tf out and it was better for his development to homeschool him .The Sudburry style school he went to for a year was great before I ran out of money for tuition. He has friends and runs a weekly DnD group that is made up largely of the kids who are also part of the gay/straight alliance at school. He is doing fine socially now that he has grown into himself and has more self control. Aside from his comparative “struggles” of only getting an average grade in an average English class, there are not problems at school – he’s graduating HS this year with only a Writing 121 credit short of an associates in computer science. Also, am a simgle mom with 4 kids. I have limits and an IEP for high school for a kid who doesn’t need one is not where I needed to put my energy.
Whatever. My mom (and me too, tbh) are fuming that this teacher wanted to blame the women in his life for my kid’s alleged shortcomings. Like nah dude – my kid and I have spent countless hours talking about social interactions and feelings. He isn’t f’ing broken and aside from my genetic contribution, his neurodivergence isn’t because of how I raised him – probably the opposite.
Sorry for writing a novel.
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My son can’t analyze a novel because he was raised by “strong women” according to his ELA teacher.
updated 1 year, 4 months ago
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Huh, and there I thought reading and analyzing fiction was A gIrL tHiNg! So, by that (warped) logic, being raised by strong women would make him *better* at analyzing novels, wouldn’t it.
Crap teachers are crap, I’m sorry for all of you. Hugs or highfives for all! -
My question is… what kind of discussions is this teacher leading in class that would be negatively affected by empathy towards women? Hm… if you don’t mind divulging, what were the last few books your kid had to read for class?
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Teenagers’ brains are literally still developing. Because of the stage the brains are in, emotional recognition becomes very difficult. There’s a reason people say teenagers are a-holes. It’s because of this emotional disconnection in the brain. You’d think the teacher would at least know this.
Top it off with autism and it’s perfectly reasonable to struggle with this. It will get better in time with more neurological development and experience.
That teacher has some real problems with the women in his life, it sounds like, and he wanted to take it out on your mom and you. Completely unprofessional.
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We also struggle with the line between a need for a full IEP and “classroom accommodations.” Either way, I suggest getting documentation with the school because we also run into these “not a problem until it’s a problem” situations where my kid needs just a tiny adjustment in expectations from the teacher but the teacher thinks because there’s no IEP they don’t have to do anything different.
I have no idea what “strong women” would possibly have to do with nuance though.
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I feel for you. I have two level 1 autistic children with ADHD. The oldest one is now an adult and functioning in the world all by himself and absolutely killing it! He is the same child that was kicked off of school busses for acting out, removed from multiple classrooms over the years and at one point his elementary school principal told me that if I was going to bring him back to that school for fifth grade that I should really talk to his doctor about increasing his ADHD meds so that he behaved better. Joke was on her because not only did I move him to another school, I also took him off meds completely that summer (forever) with his physicians approval. Those teachers and school staff don’t know your child. They think they do, but they have no idea how far your child has come and what obstacles they have overcome to get to where they are! You just keep loving that kid and having his back. You are doing just fine mama!
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There wasn’t causality implied if it went the way it was presented here. It was a “compliment sandwich”.
Your kid and family are great (bread).
Concerns (meat).
Your kid is still great despite the concerns (bread).
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I’m not calling you out, but I work in School Law and I would be remiss if I didn’t point out:
IEPs, (individualized education plans) FBAs (Functional Behavioral Assessments) and 504 plans are the best way to ensure a student with a disability succeeds in public school.
Even if that kid is in honors classes, even if that kid seems okay, IEPs/FBAs/504s require the school to accept a student’s disability and to make accommodations to ensure that the student has equatable access to education.
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This teacher sounds like he really wants an unpaid suspension or something.
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Now I’ve heard everything. I don’t frickin believe it. It’s *the woman’s* fault he doesn’t get emotional nuance? I thought that’s supposed to be our thing.
Maybe they should just tell us what *isn’t* our fault. I’d be curious to know.
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As a strong woman with (almost!) a phd in literature, I gotta say… that doesn’t compute. Every woman in my department is a strong woman. And they are overflowing with literary nuance. Our cups runneth over with interpretation. We literally teach empathy through writing, and we do so as strong fucking women.
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No judgement at all. As someone with a degree in elementary education I can confirm that a lot of public schools aren’t very well equipped to handle any level of neurodivergence.
And as a neurodivergent person myself, “needs must when the devil drives” is basically my mantra for getting through life. You do what you gotta do and you decide what arbitrary goal posts from the “normies” you want to recognize or pursue. If he’s doing just fine with his other classes and getting an average (and non-failing) grade in this one, then it shouldn’t have a huge impact on his post-high school degree plans.
from what you said and my own personal experience, documenting and dealing with the educational system recognizing his autism would only cause problems for everyone and isn’t worth it.
take it with the grain of salt from an internet stranger, but it sounds like you’re all doing just fine.
well, that teacher could stand to have a little
more of a “strong female” presence in his life, methinks. maybe send a flier for a local BDSM club anonymously to him? -
I’m……what??? I’m an ELA teacher and absolutely floored and ashamed on behalf of that teacher. Your poor kid. Is it possible to switch teachers at semester?
FWIW I totally feel for your kid. Literary analysis is hard for people with autism or autism-adjacent traits, and for most of the kids who think pretty concretely. It can also be a really growing experience though, with the right teacher. When I have kids who struggle with nuance, we focus on crafting logical arguments because they tend to be strong there, and then work an adding a little complexity at a time by asking questions. The kid says the character is scared, so we look for types of fear. Are they insecure, do they have past trauma, are they scared of themselves, is the thing they’re scared of realistic, etc. Learning what questions to ask is the starting point. It’s harder for autistic students but absolutely possible with support and understanding, and only if it’s what they want to do.
I also wonder why the teacher expects nuanced analysis in an on-level class? All that stuff above is how I handle it in AP classes for kids who need accurate and sophisticated analysis to pass the exam. For on-level, I just want them to enjoy and understand what they read, explore different types of stories, and write evidence-based arguments. Nuance is an awesome bonus but not part of the grade.
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The world needs more people raised by strong women, keep up the great work! 🖤🖤🖤🖤
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The irony. Your kid doesn’t understand emotional nuance, then shutting down a conversation because they don’t like the way the conversation is going.
(I can’t eye roll hard enough)
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Teacher here, unfortunately some people in the profession love to act like an expert in certain areas that they just are not. This guy sounds like he’s just pushing his worldview.
