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Discussion
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Heeeello long time lurker first time poster I think. I would like some advice/thoughts plz.
So I live in a rural area of PA. It’s very red state here, it’s nicknamed “pennsyltucky” for a reason unfortunately 😅
I get paranoid so often here tho, especially in social situations where it’s people I don’t know very well. I want so badly to be a good ally at all times. I want to help my community be better. I don’t want it to just be an us vs them, cause that feeds right back into facisim. But im also AWFUL at confrontation and thinking on my feet of what to say.
My thing is, if some says something hateful, is saying, “hey, don’t be gross!” kinda thing, is that enough? Like I have no faith in my self that I could change any minds, but I’m always scared someone’s gonna say something hateful, even as a joke. I know to be a good ally I have pipe up and protest.
What are some ways you have spoken up, what’s a good thing to say? What are ways to be a better ally?
Thank you and please stay safe and awesome 💜
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Ally stuff✨
updated 1 year, 2 months ago
2 Members
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18
Replies
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Here in Ohio, I get it. A confused look combined with. “What do you mean by that, I’m confused?” Goes a long way.
Basically do the toddler thing and keep asking why until they are painfully uncomfortable.
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I live in Ohio. I am covered in my spiritual tattoos. I have always been civil, polite, and hold the door open for people. I have been confronted a lot, and the main one is, “You don’t believe in God?” And my rebuttal is usually, “Not yours, no. But I’ll pray for you regardless.”
It has gotten provoking before, many times, and I usually say things along the lines of, “If that is how you feel, I wonder how you treat the Jews” or insert some other religion like Buddhist, one of the many other sects of Christianity, and just go down the list to whatever they are not. Usually, if you outright call them on their rude/shameful behavior as LOUDLY for everyone to hear they back off. They do not like to be publicly shamed.
The same goes for LGBT stuff. I say things like, “Yet Jesus loves everyone. Isn’t it a sin to speak for God?” Or “Jesus had two dads. You’re telling me Joseph wasn’t important?”
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I like to ask people why they said stuff. My go to form of confrontation is annoying people like a toddler. If you don’t like outright confrontation you can see if there is a ally charity or group you can donate time or money to help support the community.
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I’m not a fan of conflict either, but I’ve been involved in many surrounding political issues. Keep your demeanor non threatening. Do not raise your voice but speak directly, “ I don’t agree with that. You don’t speak for me.” If the situation escalates, walk away.
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I don’t laugh at jokes I don’t find funny. It’s awks for a while and then you get used to it. People have said cliche stuff about ex wives and such and I’ve just kept a straight face and they got the point those jokes fell flat and have yet to repeat them around me. I also go with a calm ‘that was gross’ – no accusation, no challenge in the tone, just a statement. I have done this very rarely and usually others in the group have agreed and taken up a joke against the person. My area and workplace are quite progressive tho, but I hope the above is helpful. It’s not about challenge a lot of the time, but deescalation.
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You could memorize a few Bible verses. You don’t have to be Christian to remind them of their own teachings, and using one’s that have universal moral may be easier on you.
“have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?”
“Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”A couple more….
“He who has not sinned may cast the first stone” “Love they neighbor as thyself”
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The phrase, “that was not a kind thing to say,” has done wonders for me in similar situations!
If you feel like it’s safe to do, something a little more pointed like “is there a reason you thought that was an appropriate comment to make?” is more engaging and asks everyone to reflect on what was said and who said it.
And if people come back on you something like “that’s not something I think or believe and is certainly not something I would say in this setting” is always an easy way to lower the temperature especially if the person you called out tries to turn it on you.
I know that everything is political but trying to make it about kindness as opposed to a specific issue can be very helpful and protect you. If someone makes a “joke” that puts down women, saying that you didn’t think it was kind as opposed to saying it was sexist or misogynistic leaves less wiggle room for argument. People want to be perceived as kind and I feel like the definition of kindness is harder to debate, right? It is more dependent on our interactions with others. People LOVE debating what is and isn’t sexist or misogynistic or homophobic or racist or transphobic or ableist, etc etc etc.
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If you don’t feel safe, you’re allowed to stay quiet/ leave. Protect yourself first, you know?
I just had a similar talk with my good friend where we agreed that if she has the energy to correct people who misgender me behind my back, please do. If not, I’m not there and won’t know the difference or hold it against her.
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I don’t have a helpful answer, but wanted to offer my solidarity. Im out here in Pennsyltucky too (Indiana County). I’ve had to leave jobs b/c it became unsafe for me to keep working for the owners, due to their own hateful politics. There was only so much gentle speaking out and teaching moments I could manage before I became a target. So if you find that you have trouble speaking up, it’s valid and understandable and not a failure on your part. There is real danger in standing up to these people. And I’m thankful that you even have the drive to do so 🫂💕
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I’m a Jew in Pennsyltucky. And I think it matters less that you publicly correct every single person who makes a shitty oppressive statement than that you devote time and energy to supporting the structures in your town that lift up minoritized folks in your community. Shop at local minority owned businesses. Volunteer with the local youth and yak to them about respect and allyship. Run for local office. See if you can get in on a bias response group, or reach out to the folks in Harrisburg about starting a chapter in your town. Do a clothing drive for the local shelters. Whatever it is, plug in with the leftists. They’re there, and we need each other desperately.
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Miss Manners said years ago that the best reply was. “Why is that funny”or”Why do you ask”if they’re being intrusive. Seems to work pretty well.
A cis white19yo with a trump flag was insulting women. I said your mother supports you. I don’t understand why you’d say that. He responded with, “That’s just my humor.” I said it was sad and walked away. He’s improving. If they’re pathetic instead of funny…. Now if only the 20yo peers didn’t think it was funny…. Feels like bailing a boat with a sieve.
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I’ve been involved in a DEI course and one of the approaches is to not go confrontational but ask questions like “why do you feel that way.“, or “what personal experience do you base that opinion on?” It can lead to some interesting insight or diffuse the pointed comment being made
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A good “Wow.” And look away – does wonders.
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Listen up: NOTHING is more important than your safety. You don’t ‘have to’ do anything that puts you at risk to be ‘a good ally’. Do what you can, when you can, but don’t beat yourself up over trying to do more than you are able. We all have our limitations, ok?
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I think saying anything at all is being a good Ally.
Kudos and praises to the people who can be in someone’s face making them eat their hateful words.
That’s just not possible for some of us. I’ve got some serious social anxiety and it sounds like you do too and then it just might not be safe to speak up. So even you’re “don’t be gross” is better than silence!
