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Discussion
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Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence, SA, and that r-word
I’m not here to re-hash rules or tell you how to minimize the chance of presenting yourself as a scam target. I’m realizing that I can’t keep everyone safe, no matter how many rules we make on the subreddit. I’m also realizing that you each come here with some idea of the risks you take when traipsing about reddit.
Instead, I’m here to say that, as mods, we do our best to remain impartial and fair, but sometimes, yeah, we make mistakes or react from an emotional place. I can’t speak for other members of the mod team, but I can speak for myself (which is actually sort of a new development for me. I’m still finding my voice).
To be honest, I can take it when you accuse us mods of being idiots and heartless robots. I can handle it when you get pissed and send a modmail cussing us out and accusing us of censoring free speech – this is the internet, and our subreddit is full of Americans, after all. I do okay when you tell us that the rules we write are stupid or that we don’t even understand the rules that we wrote – and rewrote (between you and me, some days I feel like we only need three rules: don’t be an asshole to other members of the community; keep yourself and others safe; and don’t turn the sub into a bullshit feed of fake psychics and witch wares that will never be delivered). I can even let it roll off me when you tell me that witches are complete and utter filth and that we should all be dragged through the street, beaten and brutally murdered for going against “the laws of God Almighty.”
The thing that kills me, is when you accuse me of being complicit in abuse, sexual assault, rape, domestic violence, stalking, etc. because I didn’t give you a curse to kill your (ex) partner or because I sent you crisis resources when you asked for a protection spell.
When you tell me that a protection order is still just an order, and you’re scared of what the person can do to you when they decide to disobey the order or when you tell me that I’m a fucking idiot because of course you can’t report something to the cops. I agree with you (just not the fucking idiot part). I know that even if you are the bravest person who wants to do the right thing and report, who can handle all the invasive procedures for gathering evidence from the crime scene that is your body, who is willing to put up with character assassination and people who will inevitably not believe that you didn’t “ask for it,” who can mentally handle the gaslighting from strangers who have no goddamn business knowing anything about you but who somehow know exactly what you “should” have done or who say you must be lying because they’ve never seen such a side of this person or who tell you that your assailant didn’t mean it/is apologetic/doesn’t deserve this… even if you are any or all those things, the truth is that sometimes it doesn’t matter. A cop won’t take your statement. A cop will twist things around on you. A cop will threaten you. And worse.
So maybe, no, I don’t know your exact circumstances, but I know why you can’t report imminent danger or horrific harm that has already been done. I didn’t report these things when they happened to me.
Sometimes, when you accuse me of standing on the side of your abuser, I am filled with righteous indignation, and I will try to fight back because how could you ever think that about me. You see, in real life, I am the friend you call when your boyfriend stopped taking his meds, is in a manic phase, and is so unstable that you are afraid to sleep. I am the friend you call when you decide you are finally leaving That Asshole and you need to pack your clothes, your work stuff, and your cat and get the fuck out of this godforsaken state before He comes back from the store in an hour. I am the only other female coworker in your group watching a client pull your hair to emphasize the punchline of his stupid, disgusting joke, and I’m not laughing out of discomfort with the rest of the group. I am the daughter telling you to please fight. Don’t let him destroy you. Don’t let him take everything. You’re a person. You’re not just a wife. Please. Fight.
Sometimes I can stand up for myself – and you.
Other times, I read the pain in your words, and it reverberates through my head until it finds memories to match it. But your words are telling me that my pain isn’t good enough. Maybe you're right: That one boyfriend? He only hit me a few times, and never badly enough to send me to the hospital, so was it really “abuse”? Maybe it was just a few bad fights. All couples fight. I could feel the tension radiating off his body. I knew that the subject was risky to bring up. How can I be surprised that he snapped? And was it really rape? He was my boyfriend. He loved me. Sometimes two people don’t want sex at the same time, but is it really fair to leave him unsatisfied just because I don’t want to do it right now? Having sex is easier than fighting, that’s for sure, and maybe if I do this for him, he’ll be happy and things will be better… See? None of my stories are as bad as yours, so maybe I don’t have any right to say I have been a victim of domestic violence, sexual assault, or rape. You seem pretty damn sure that I can’t have experienced it because if I had, I wouldn’t doubt for a second that abusers deserve suffering, harm, and worse.
These Other times, your words leave me curled in a ball on my couch, crying.
I am doing the best I can within the constraints placed on me. No, I can’t give you a curse to kill your abuser, but I can write, post, and share spells to draw attention to your abuser’s crimes and get them arrested and away from you. I can write, post, and share spells to make the cops, judge, and jury take you seriously, if you do decide to report. I can hold your hand through every step of the spell. I can find you resources to help you get to safety and heal.
I will never make you explain why you didn't report something. I will never judge you for how you cope with trauma. I will never demand justification for what you did to survive. I don’t doubt that your abuser deserves whatever you say they do. If you ask something that isn’t allowed on the subreddit, I do my best to let you know where you can ask that question, how you might rephrase it, or what books might have answers for you.
I want you to be safe. I want you to be okay. I want you to get to live a life. I am always on your side. How can you not know that by now?
