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Discussion
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I'm being beyond honest when I say I'm an orthodox now adays and I might have fckd up in the past and I wouldn't lie about this or try to grab attention.
So for context let's go back in 2021 when my 2nd girlfriend (now ex) had cheated a few times and I was atmy lowest.
I had been for about a year in a relationship with M wich was toxic enough already and my life was going for shit including my emotional state and I was much of a looser at the time. So I used to get these midnight walks whenever I felt like shit and overwhelmed, the thing is I live in a small city and have roads that lead to nearby "villages" not more than 2-3 hours walk away.
No road lights or anything I would just walk along that road aimlessly listening to music and processing my feelings and get back home. This developed as a habit over the course of few months.
When shit hit the bucket with my relationship it was during September of 2021 and by that time I somehow had come across alchemy and other weird stuff like the books of solomon , kabbalah ect. so I was sort of invested and carried away by this hobbie of reading such stuff to keep my mind busy.
Now the thing is I was in alot emotional and mental pain so I somehow caught myself one night during one of those walks asking for help and offering anything to just get the pain away, and asmodeus and lucifer somehow popped out in my mind.
Since then I started talking to the moon on my midnight walks and a few months later my ex came back to me obsessed with me. I somehow went along with it bit noticed how I felt really vague since that day.
Now let's cut down to the paranormal stuff if those can be called so:
/2021-2022:
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I've always had a thing about the number 21 since its my birthday and my lucky number, but since that day always something really unlucky happens every 21st of a month (I call it the fuckery day)
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Ever since I noticed that when I went out for my walks it so happened that there was always a full moon
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I started coming across dead animals every once a month and always had a feeling of being watched and had this energy like I was opposing something (this never happened before that day)
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When I visited one of those turkish coffee readers without even knowing shetold me she saw animals in my cup and a bat over them (she said the animals in the same order I saw them through the months)
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Paranormal activity started happening in my house, dishes moving, lights getting turned on, cabinets shutting ect. but all in a very sublime way as if someone was trying to get me paranoid my protherso happens to have notice these aswell.
/2022-2024:
(Note I moved to another city for studies in which I already had a house in, it felt like a new start but I never felt alone even tho I lived alone)-
I often would get a feeling of someone being behind my back or the corner of the room the only time I found some peace was during the time I took in a black kitty that a friend gifted to me. (so my friend had named the cat Lucifer)
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Paranormal activity just like before would happen there aswell with weird noises coming from the cabinets (my cat was in bed with me)
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I worked on a second shift and would often get home walking by 2am. Behind my apartment building there was a field which I took as a shortcut but there is a fig tree ehich every time I passed by wouldgive methe shivers down my spine but somehow I would also get this feeling of opposition as if something coming out of my body would get ferral over that place.
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PLEASE HELP THIS ONE REALLY CONCERNS ME
I catch myself repeating over and over phrases out of nowhere in latin and then I get an eary feeling once I become self conscious then I research for translation and it makes actual sense and relates to the situation Im in the given moment! I DONT KNOW ONE BIT OF LATIN!!!
- My dreams give me fragments of stuff that happen no longer than one week later.
I forgot to mention that since that day I've been getting less and less emotional and now adays I barely feel anything. My money inflow has become way to good but it goes away as fast as it comes and I've been getting any woman (emotionally or sexually) that I had wished for from when I was younger and a looser but none have lasted more than a few months especially the ones Ive tried my best to make it work. I've developed a really charming personality and have gotten stuff my way with everyone. Overall I get whatever I want but there's always a catch to it. Sort of a more realistic and confident Patrick Bateman.
As I said I've been really in orthodoxy since summer and used to lit ceremonial inscense and put orthodox chants before going to sleep that also gave me some peace after I lost my cat. ButsinceI stopped doing that my life has turned rogue on me and it seems like every day something is trying to get me away from religion.
My main concern is that everything hints to a possession or contract of some sort cuz every time I get these negative thoughts or feelings all comes up to my mind is the phrase "not yet" and I say it out loud. It all happens in autopilot. Also the latin thing I mentioned there was this one night where I decided to chant a saint Benedict prayer untill I fell asleep and I woke up in 3am feeling heavy and distressed while repeating the same sentence I heard in my dream
"Si ma nola te serate" "la inferne volte" "la vande" in a rythmic way. I used Google translate even tho I dont know how reliable it is in latin and it translated it from latin as "If you dont want to lock yourself up" "Turn to hell" "Sell it" . And that's not the only case, I keep notes of every time something like this happens when it happens and related to what.Here I am now writing this post in a desperate search for help, I sleep terribly at night, I have no appetite and I function out of sheer will cuz I feel exhausted even when I eat and sleep properly.
I forgot to mention as a kid older family members would often encourage me to go to holy places may them be Christian or Islamic. But I would feel really uncomfortable and on the verge of crying especially in churches.
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