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Discussion
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Not so much burn the patriarchy, but burn society’s cookie cutter expectations. I’m a 21yo woman and I’ve never had sex, never smoked, never been drunk (and don’t want to be drunk). I’ve never felt shamed for it until these past few months and now it feels really shitty. And people have been pressing me on why I don’t get drunk or make bets that I was just scared to break a law by drinking before 21, but why do they care?! It’s not their business! Stop making jokes about how much less I drink! So ofc I should just cut those people out, but those people are also the ones who will go to club and travel with me. I want to go out, I want to have fun, I’m just asexual and don’t want to drink heavily! That shouldn’t make me feel boring, right? And how do I say “I don’t want to drink” without sounding self-righteous or getting too vulnerable?
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I hate society’s pressures
updated 2 years, 3 months ago
2 Members
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It absolutely doesn’t make you boring at all. Your reasons are your own, and people who pressure you to do these things are not understanding that they are violating your clearly set boundaries. It’s not a you problem at all. “NO” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your body, your choice 100% of the time.
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Stop caring what others think about you…even if they are friends….go out, have fun, and let them get drunk while you have your water or soda or virgin drink…I personally told my friends one of us has to be sober to watch out for the creeps or I basically told them to shut the Fuck up about it and I will do what I want too….and seriously getting drunk is nothing special, I have done it a few times and I hate the god damn hang over and throwing up…I drink on occasion, but it is maybe 2 drinks at the most and I call it a night….you do you and fuck everyone else.
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It’s important to remember that how we feel others perceive us IS wired into how we feel about ourselves. Please don’t beat yourself up over feeling affected over any isolation/rejection you may feel by the people around you. Knowing cerebrally that their reasons are dumb and that your values simply don’t align won’t make you immune to wanting to feel accepted by them! It’s just the way we are.
You know you’re not boring. They know you’re not boring, 21 yo people sometimes just don’t know how to make fresh conversation esp when drunk, and unfortunately teasing people is an easy thing to get in the habit of. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling hurt by that even when you know they’re incorrect. You do deserve to put down boundaries for yourself and advocate for yourself and your decisions to the people who’ve appropriated them as entertainment. -
That can be common at that age. It’s “expected” you’re out partying and drinking and whatever else. It’s dumb. Figure out what things are fulfilling for you, and do those instead. Find people that will support you in that, and make them your friends. Friends might suggest or offer doing different things, but if you decline they won’t press you on it or try to guilt trip you into it or otherwise coerce you into it… and they certainly won’t judge you for declining. Asexuality is something a lot of folks don’t really “get” and it wasn’t until I met and spent a lot of time around a few different ace folks that I really began to “get” it. I don’t have any advice there, unfortunately. Others in this community might, though!
You don’t have to tell people “I don’t want to drink.” If they ask, you can simply say “no thanks.” Anyone that respects your boundaries will take it at face value. If they get offended by it… well, you’re probably not out that much by not associating with em, anyhow. Hell, you don’t even have to drink in a bar. Ask for a soda or even just water or coffee. Toss the bartender a buck and they’ll probably be glad you’re not asking for something complicated like a cosmo.
E: Remembered [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExEHuNrC8yU). While it’s part of a broader subject, this specific video contains a section a couple minutes in that’s relevant to you and even directly includes the “no thanks, I don’t drink” scenario. I highly recommend the entire channel, it’s one of my favorites, but what he talks about may help explain some of the (subconscious?) reasons people might give you pushback on what should be a pretty innocuous response to their question.
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At 21 I used to say “I don’t want to drink. If you are my friend you’ll respect that” and if they kept it up i’d say “I guess you’re not my friend” and then I’d leave. People cut it out fast after that. (And it helped me get rid of people that weren’t actually my friends.)
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Would they let you be if you told them that you don’t like how it makes you feel but you still have fun going out with them anyway? I think they are still well-meaning but fun=drinking at this point in their lives so they feel bad that you’re not engaging in what they see as bonding behavior. If they still won’t listen, then it might be time to reevaluate your friendship but I see it as more of a case of them needing a little more empathy rather than evil drunkards trying to drag you down.
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“I don’t feel like drinking tonight.”
That’s the line my sister used when a friend of mine offered her a beer at a party. My sister had stopped drinking at that point and I thought it was a good answer because it was true but also didn’t invite any further questions.
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Some tricks: You can say your allergic, don’t like the taste, don’t feel like getting raped tonight, you can also order yourself a mock tail and just have a drink in hand. People who pressure others to drink are often insecure about their own likely over consumption. There is a trend towards sobriety, culturally, because of health conscious reasons and quality of life reasons. So you’re not alone! And props to you to standing by your convictions! Dancing sober is the best 💜
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[This video](https://youtu.be/ExEHuNrC8yU) is an excellent explanation of the underlying psychological processes (it’s part of an excellent mini series that’s totally great to watch but you only need to watch this one. It’s starts with the explanation). I don’t really have a good solution for you though. Other than, focus your attention on the people that aren’t like that. Which is a shitty solution but it’s the best I’ve managed to do
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It is absolutely reasonable to be selective about the company you keep and the extent to which you are vulnerable or intimate with others. Others may respond with a fear that you are judging them, more in control, or somehow more capable of restraint; they also may want to destroy your “never have” status for their own reasons.
You deserve to be celebrated, powerful, and valued for who you are.
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No is a complete sentence.
Establishing and maintaining boundaries takes practice.
Practice saying no, and practice saying “fuck you.”
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A lot of people who drink get blitzed and act really stupid….and they hate the idea that someone else is sober and secretly judging them and laughing. They are! Their problem not yours.
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Why are you hanging out with these people?
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If your friends can’t respect your boundaries they aren’t your friends, I’m sorry if that came across as harsh.
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you don’t need to feel shitty, you can tell them that you are the “driver” my brother will be 26 in no too long, never drink, what he says “I have a shitty response to alcohol and trust me you don’t want to be around me drunk” like, don’t get into the reasons just “because this is what I want to do with myself and it’s not your problem” is fair enough, as someone that is not allowed to get drunk anymore because of medication I will say that I am still the life of the party, just suber
