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Discussion
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I’m typing this out for those of us that struggle with knowing our worth. I feel as though low self esteem puts us in a dangerous place when we work with spirits. This is why professionals state boundaries are vital with spirit- that we don’t owe them anything. It was one of the original reasons for me being first an Agnostic Witch. I recognized I was too emotionally vulnerable and a spirit was totally going to mop the floor with me- if they existed (I originally thought).
This thought was before I struggled with a spiritual attachment, so that was some good foresight ;)…
However, I don’t regret realizing spirits were real nor regret working with them. I chose to form partnerships with spirits and deities where each party has autonomy. Where I kept messing up was not recognizing my own. Not realizing just how in control I was and that if I give a spirit power to be big and scary, it can be.
I did struggle with the spiritual attachment, where it saw me similarly to the animals I raised for food.I was able to get rid of it. Now, the spirit feels so small. At the time, it felt big and scary and that was all because my perception gave it that power. Later on as I started doing parts work to heal myself, I noticed a different spirit pop in. He would continue to pop in for a year once in a blue moon and when I was at low points in my recovery.
I noticed my anger hanging around him outside of my property. When I would call my anger, he’d release it. Despite my strong suspicion, when I would examine my part he was fine. Still, I was heavily suspicious despite the beautiful smiling face. He felt exactly like something I didn’t want when I walked by him to take out the trash.
“Fuck off.”
“I mean no harm.”
“And what’s your definition of harm?” I asked and felt a smile.
I wanted to banish him. Not only did he hang around on the outskirts of my property, but he had made a portal there. His general energy bothered me. He looked like a tall stack of flames with a smiling face. fire had always been something I struggled with on a deep emotional level. At the time, I felt he was more than just fire… but I wasn’t ready to realize exactly what he was yet. He made my skin crawl.
However, I was trying to be less rash in my practice. I did divination to see why he was there.
He wanted to offer assistance and I would benefit greatly from him. This confused me, so I cross referenced three separate divination methods, all stating the same- however I got a strong sense he wanted to own me.
“Absolutely the fuck not”
I really wanted him gone, but my divination said it would be a mistake. I had cleared the room and called in the Four Quarters to ward the space. Surely, he wasn’t messing with my divination? I didn’t invite him into that circle. I was so utterly confused. I told him the answer was no for now and that I may just lack understanding. I gave him an offering for working with my anger and for him to go away. He left.
A few months later when I had merged with my anger, I would come home irritable instead of stuffing it. I saw him again in meditation. I allowed him in the house, trying to stay open minded with this spirit. I recognized he seemed rough around the edges, though grounded, which was probably why my anger liked him. He felt this fight energy I had and decided to touch me to see what happened. I instantly shielded with the wind and blew him out of the house. He took it nonchalantly as he went for a ride. He then sent one of his smaller spirits on the edge of my property to see how I’d react. It had became a game. I was done and scolded him for touching me, why I felt the way I felt and that this was what I meant when I asked him what his definition of harm was. That he lacked understanding. I felt him get disappointed and that his intention wasn’t to get me that upset. He left.
I asked my guide if she really wanted me to work with him. I told her that I would if she wanted me to, but that I kinda hated him.
I got crickets.
“How do you feel if I worked with him?”
Neutrality.
I was going to banish him, did some divination and saw again I’d be making a mistake if I banished him. I wasn’t going to let him own me, though. That felt wrong. I didn’t care what my stones said, but I was still wondering if I misunderstood somehow. Surely, it wasn’t what I was thinking if my divination said I’d benefit from him?
After months, he popped in again when I was at a very low point. While during this time, I felt my guides there helping me heal and snap out of my depression. I gave a general offering for all spirits helping me during this time, that it would take the form of what was most pleasing to them. When he appeared, the others left. In their place, I saw ugly firey dog-like spirits that couldn’t cross the circle like he could. He opened a portal and I saw his sigil as he did.
He helped me calm down as his coldness felt grounding. I saw and felt him touch me, so I shielded and told him to give me space.
“fine.”
I saw him go to the offering plate and sit at a table with fancy cutlery. It gave me demon royalty vibes and he raised his glass to me. He enjoyed status.
Wrath.
I felt happy that he was happy. I felt like a bond was forming between us and found myself in a grounded state of love.
“I have a lot of love to give. I’m sure that’s why you like me.”
"I like it when you tell me how great I am."
“I see.”
All of these were clues and redflags I was suddenly ignoring. He had given me assistance minimally, with no respect for my own suffering- yet I praised him for it. I felt like it was great he was helping me.
There was a shift when I told him I enjoyed working with him and he came close. I laid down my terms that he could leave the partnership at anytime, that I may be annoying to talk to, he would not be trapped or obligated to stay if he was unhappy.
“Well, it’s very important to me that I own you. You would be branded with my symbol.” It felt like he was a collector and that it would make him very happy if I accepted. (and you like it when I’m happy, right?) I saw imagery of the process as he explained and felt it deep in my spirit. It felt wrong.
I smiled. “If that’s a dealbreaker for you, then thank you so much for your assistance thus far. Please take this final offering and take your fill.”
He was surprised that I rejected him.
“Then I will not work with you.” He said before he went to the portal. I believe this was the third time I had rejected him. He felt done, no longer willing to waste his time on me, but not angry. “And here’s your shit.”
He then threw strings at me that felt like my fondness for him. He left.
I suddenly became greatly unsettled, since the subject of this spirit owning me upset me. I reached out to the nature goddess I worked with.
She told me I needed to relax.
When I woke up, sudden clarity hit me that he wasn’t as nice or great as I was making him out to be.
I recognized that I was fawning “a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat,” which is a coping mechanism for survivors of abuse. He was familiar and while I was at a low point, gravitated to what was familiar. I then went on the mediumship sub to ask about the marking process. I’ll link it here because there are great responses from experienced spirit workers there (and if you wanted to read more about the final experience I had with him. )It was exactly what I thought it was. He wanted a slave.
This scared me. Fire, demons, hell all bother me. And one wanted to mark me?
However, what my guides then reminded me was that he needed to ask. Did I really think a spirit like that would ask if he didn’t need to? Why was this so valuable to him? Why did he need to respect my boundaries? Why did he leave when I told him to?
The ultimate power trip for some is taking something of equal or greater power and making them feel worthless. I began to have drastic paradigm shifts about myself after the last encounter. How my Goddess treats me is that it’s special to work with me, more along the lines of a partnership. She respects my pain even if she sees it differently. I can call in the elements and influence the energies of the universe without spirits at all, but I chose to work with her. Times when I forget my own power, she nudges me in the right direction. She tells me I’m strong. These guides keep reminding me that I actually had the power the entire time and that was why he had to ask.
I reached out to my goddess a day or so after and asked
“…How you see this is we’re both powerful beings. We’re just different in our consciousness.”
“Yes.”
I felt her strongly here, which told me I finally got it. I know some in the spiritual community sometimes refer to themselves as gods/goddesses themselves. I’ve respected that for others, but always struggled with internalizing that within myself. Even in regular reality, I have a tendency to value the needs of others above my own. I’ve internalized being different and it wasn’t until I started working with this goddess that I started to realize my own toxic patterns for myself.
When I pick up trash in her grove, that’s something she can’t do. Humanity can carve mountains, cure diseases, create art, craft machines from raw materials, go to space, alter the evolution of a species to suit us. We’ve been influencing the energies of the universe and working with spirits from the beginning. It’s incredible.
But why did my divination say I’d benefit from him?
The entire time I used divination, I never asked if I would benefit from the marking process. When I cast my stones, draw cards, or ask my pendulum I envision the question as if it were reality. Picture stepping into a fork in the river of time. Having a spirit own me was too unsettling, so I didn’t see that. What I saw was me exchanging energy and talking with him or banishing him outright.
Technically, I did work with him. I exchanged offerings for services. It just took me the fourth or fifth interaction to actually get the point of it all. The point of it all was, I didn’t care what I thought my divinations said, or anyone. Fuck that. I know my worth. I left my family years ago because they wanted to own me, I’m not going to let a spirit do the same.
And the lesson came at a time where my lack of self worth could no longer be ignored and was coming to a head like a festering boil. Perfect timing to snap me out of that depressive mindset.
Regardless of whether or not this was a demon or a manifestation of how I had been treated in the past, I learned a lot and I hope anyone who has similar struggles benefits from reading this post as well.
My post on the mediums sub-> https://www.reddit.com/r/Mediums/comments/15r15y4/comment/jwplaj3/?context=3
