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Discussion
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Hi everyone. I have a question about an experience I had while on LSD for the second time and also the 2 years that followed. My first experience on LSD was absolutely perfect. I can never put into words let’s just say it was a highly profound yet simple religious experience that felt so perfect and all so familiar, almost childlike wonder x 100. My second experience took place in a cemetery in western mass near the university I attended. We werent trying to be spooky or anything it was just a beautiful area. I was with my ex who wasn’t even my boyfriend yet at the time and we were vibing starting to come up. And I felt like we were on the same wavelength until I said something and I realized he didn’t understand what I said/meant. It was so unimportant that I don’t even remember what it was about, but I remember my energy shift a little from feeling connected with everything to feeling a disconnect to everything. I silently began to spiral until it was a full blown bad trip where I even started having weird intrusive thoughts. It was just madness and the most random images blooming in my mind at rapid speed, most of them ugly and scary. I also remember becoming extremely cold. I remember like pleading for my soul and that I’d do anything to make sure this ends. I survived it with the simple solution of having one goal and that was to just be still and don’t move as I was afraid I would act on a random thought. It was a long trip.
However, I feel like I was burdened by this experience for at least 2 years. The intrusive thoughts never really went away, they were just not as acute. Though I will say they have brought me to that brink completely sober a few times over the course of that 2 years. I was convinced I was evil or that I was possessed by something. I’d have strong moments of clarity, relief and what felt like protection, but i was constantly spiraling through this cycle of psychic torment and borderline angelic relief. I’d have dreams where I’m literally fighting a demon. And I can’t necessarily remember what it looked because sometimes it was just an animal but at least one time it was in my mind a demon, and I think it had brown fur but wasn’t an animal. The essence of those dreams was always a relentlessness to this being. Like fighting my hardest and being constantly surprised at this things stamina. It’s always felt like a long drawn out, yet intense and exhausting type of fight. Also I should point out that the intensity of these thoughts/experiences would happen at night and I would feel like it came on SUDDENLY. I’d immediately get cold and the thoughts would start.
Anyway. Once I started journaling I was able to separate my thoughts from the other thoughts. And I also would meditate on being the “detached observer” of what was going on and things became more clear. The energy that was haunting me was relentless, but also very desperate. It was chaotic and sad and I learned to actually kind of feel bad for it. I would watch it run it’s course and really see it for what it was. I was actually able to love it in a way and it got smaller. But the thing is. I don’t know if it was all my energy all along, or if it was something else.
Any and all insight is welcome. Thank you!
