I didn’t end up having a miscarriage. I am no longer pregnant, though. My formerly supportive partner, future husband & best friend “changed his mind.”

[Trent]

He begged me to have a baby. Begged me to get engaged to him. We’ve been together off & on 2 yrs. We’re both about 40, no kids, no prior marriages. We were told after the first ultrasound it was a miscarriage. We were devastated, & were told to wait a week for another scan, & then plan for a D & C or what have you. We don’t live together atm, & we grieved separately all week.

Second ultrasound’s done the next week, lady hands me a print out- it’s a perfectly healthy fetus, with a heartbeat. First tech the week before screwed up. No miscarriage. I run outside crying with joy & call my bf.

His response- why am I so excited it’s not a miscarriage? I’m being selfish for wanting the baby bc in the past week he’s decided 1)he doesn’t want to be with me, 2) doesn’t want a baby with me, 3)thinks I’d be a “horrible mother” & 4) won’t support me if I selfishly choose to keep the baby. The baby that he begged me to have. Now, for various reasons, I don’t have familial support for things like this. I’m a former addict, & my family keeps their distance. I live alone hundreds of miles from everyone I know, have basically no support system, & work paycheck to paycheck.

I couldn’t bring a child into such a completely *fucked* situation. I have nothing. So he convinced me to have an abortion. I’m not sorry I did it. I’m incredibly, unbelievably devastated that I lost everything that meant the most to me over the course of the past 2 weeks, basically. I’m so depressed I can barely function. I take anti depressants, see a therapist, but nothing really helps. I’m never going to have a child. I know that now. This is just one horrific relationship in a lifetime of horrific relationships. I think I’m honestly done trying. This one may have broken me. I know a lot of the depression is hormonal. It doesn’t help to realize that, though. It’s still complete, unadulterated hell.

Apologies for the self pity. I know a lot of this is my own doing. I just was hoping for some good vibes sent my way, whether I deserve them or not.

I’m sorry for everything. I just need help

Discussion

[AstarteOfCaelius]

Do *not* apologize for reaching out or your grief. You’re dealing with a lot all at once: and you deserved so much better. Please allow yourself to weep and mourn everything as you need to- and do not feel you are imposing for reaching out. That is good and it takes deep courage to be vulnerable in this way.

There are no platitudes that I could convey that would help, I know: but you are never ever alone. I am cleaning up for my big autumn fireplace opening but, I will certainly burn some good wishes for you when I open my fireplace for the season next week.

[notinyourmind]

There is a large hormonal dump after ending pregnancy and this happened to me after aborting. I also live with clinical depression and the added hormonal layer was scary. It is so normal to feel alone during this and I hope you can feel comforted by the fact others have walked the same ground before you. You did not deserve what is happening to you. In three years time, nearly everything will be different, and may that be a mantra to help you through this.

If you can go no-contact with your ex please do so, you should never be treated this way. Your life and your love are valuable even if it doesn’t feel this way, even if you don’t see it.

You CAN heal. You WILL heal. I am here screaming into the void hoping you may hear. You CAN heal and you WILL heal and I believe in you.

[Pixieled]

You need and deserve time to grieve. You have been through a wide range of emotional hell in a very short period. I believe you made the best decision you were able, and I’m sorry it all came to a head like this, but at least you were able to get out of that relationship. You’re a free person, and once your done grieving, I hope you can find your own path. Take your time and maybe throw yourself an real, legit pity party. (I did that after a surgery turned me disabled. Pizza, movies, lots and lots of self indulgent tears, dancing badly to crappy music you love. Go on and ugly cry. Loudly if you like. Salt your popcorn with your tears if it helps.)

Try to remember the things you love doing in the quiet moments when no one else is around. Maybe you used to draw or sing or play an instrument. Maybe you liked improv or theater. Maybe you liked playing sports, doing yoga, lifting weights. Try poi and learn to literally play with fire. Maybe you like to color or doodle or read. Let what you love(d) doing become an open path to calm. Light a candle, take a breath, and take comfort that we are tiny specs in the universe. You can always be your own first love. 🌱💚

[gay_space_moth]

I don’t know you, but I’m sending good vibes to you. You deserve to be treated with kindness!
Also, I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m proud of you for preventing your child from having to live in poverty without any support system.
You are still a valuable person. Not everybody has to be a parent.
Hope my words can help you feel at least a little better.

[TreeMcBean]

You deserve better. Love to you

[ManyPlural]

None of this is your doing. He told you to do smn for him that put your body in a vulnerable situation, was told you might not have a baby because of a miscarriage and then got yelled at because you’re FUTURE CHILD DIDN’T DIE. This guy is an ASSHOLE

[SunMoonCreation]

I’m sorry you’re going through this nightmare.

I went through an almost identical situstion when I was 25. I’m now 43 and don’t regret my choice. Life is going to be hard for you right now but it does get better. Concentrate on taking care of you, even if it’s really simple stuff like brushing your teeth in the morning.

There’s no time frame in which you MUST heal, these things take time and you need to allow yourself that. I’m sending lot’s of love your way. You deserve it.

[EstrellaDarkstar]

It’s very strange to me that he would beg you to have a baby with him, but then change his mind and coerce you into terminating the pregnancy. I’m childfree myself, and whatever lifestyle one chooses, whether it’s with kids or not, should be their own choice. A partner who flakes out like that on big life decisions doesn’t seem trustworthy, in any case. I wish you all the best, and please know that your decisions are your own, not someone elses.

[Coffeelover69420aaaa]

You deserve someone much better than him. You had problems in the past but it sounds like you’re doing much better and in that light I think you’ll be a great mother. I know how daunting it is to have to return to the dating scene, moreso for the ones who are over 30 years old. You will find someone and you may have a child in the future, either biologically or if you may consider adoption, that could be an alternative for you. I’m sending you all of the good vibes I can and trying to take some of that pain you feel. You’re doing great, especially amidst everything that is happening now. ❤️

[FlakyElderberry711]

I am so sorry for everything you’re dealing with right now, wrapping you in love and comfort. Be gentle with yourself, you are going through so much mentally and physically right now, your mind and your body need time to heal.

I have been in a similar situation in the past, with the same type of person, I thought that misery was going to be all my life was ever going to be, but now years later, I don’t even recognize that life. I have a wonderful supportive partner and a life I love. I hope the same for you.

Advice my friends gave during my separation which helped: you have to imagine this all as a storm, it will end, you don’t know when, you just have to ride it out, but once you get to the other side, it’s glorious and you won’t ever want to go back

[MesabiRanger]

A man begging me to do something has never turned out well for ME. Even when going to rehab, it was the women who carried me to the decision.

[G66GNeco]

>Apologies for the self pity. I know a lot of this is my own doing. I just was hoping for some good vibes sent my way, whether I deserve them or not.

Please don’t put yourself down like that. I know (being frequently depressed myself) that it basically turns into an instinct at some point, but it’s not helpful. You are not worthless. You were strong enough to overcome an addiction. You are kind enough to care about how some random strangers online might feel after reading your story. You do not deserve to be talked down like that, especially not by yourself.

You also don’t have to take the blame for everything bad that’s happening to you. You are not responsible for that guy changing his mind on something you apparently wanted too.

And, last but not least, you don’t have to apologize for feeling like this. I can’t even imagine how you must feel (at least in part ’cause I am a guy), but sufficed to say that it sounds horrible. It is okay to be angry, in such a situation. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to vent about it. Something dreadful happened to you – you don’t have to let that eat away at you from the inside.

​

You deserve love, and understanding. From everyone, including yourself. I really hope you know that.

[octosquagleswife]

Holy cow. Fellow with you can message me ANY TIME you need to talk. Im so sorry this happened. I want to give you all the support I can through your tough time.

[guarding_dark]

Hugs OP

Please feel free to pop by r/momforaminute or r/peptalkswithpops, there are plenty of us out there to support you and be your family.

There’s a lot of good advice here, please look after yourself and try to treat yourself with kindness

[jaxawaba22]

this isn’t what I call “self pity” this is you sharing some horrible experiences with your loving sisters who are hurt and disgusted beside you. I am so sorry this is how things have gone for the past few weeks. It’s too soon to talk about “dodging bullets” and anger, sadness, grief, relief, it’s a lot to process.
Please seek additional supports and help, as you are already doing. Don’t beat yourself up more for sharing, it’s really brave and honourable for you to expose your raw pain to us and I wish I could help alleviate some for you. Sending soothing energy your way. You’ll make it through this patch of hell. Not unscathed, but you will rise.