-
Discussion
-
He begged me to have a baby. Begged me to get engaged to him. We’ve been together off & on 2 yrs. We’re both about 40, no kids, no prior marriages. We were told after the first ultrasound it was a miscarriage. We were devastated, & were told to wait a week for another scan, & then plan for a D & C or what have you. We don’t live together atm, & we grieved separately all week.
Second ultrasound’s done the next week, lady hands me a print out- it’s a perfectly healthy fetus, with a heartbeat. First tech the week before screwed up. No miscarriage. I run outside crying with joy & call my bf.
His response- why am I so excited it’s not a miscarriage? I’m being selfish for wanting the baby bc in the past week he’s decided 1)he doesn’t want to be with me, 2) doesn’t want a baby with me, 3)thinks I’d be a “horrible mother” & 4) won’t support me if I selfishly choose to keep the baby. The baby that he begged me to have. Now, for various reasons, I don’t have familial support for things like this. I’m a former addict, & my family keeps their distance. I live alone hundreds of miles from everyone I know, have basically no support system, & work paycheck to paycheck.
I couldn’t bring a child into such a completely *fucked* situation. I have nothing. So he convinced me to have an abortion. I’m not sorry I did it. I’m incredibly, unbelievably devastated that I lost everything that meant the most to me over the course of the past 2 weeks, basically. I’m so depressed I can barely function. I take anti depressants, see a therapist, but nothing really helps. I’m never going to have a child. I know that now. This is just one horrific relationship in a lifetime of horrific relationships. I think I’m honestly done trying. This one may have broken me. I know a lot of the depression is hormonal. It doesn’t help to realize that, though. It’s still complete, unadulterated hell.
Apologies for the self pity. I know a lot of this is my own doing. I just was hoping for some good vibes sent my way, whether I deserve them or not.
I’m sorry for everything. I just need help
-
I didn’t end up having a miscarriage. I am no longer pregnant, though. My formerly supportive partner, future husband & best friend “changed his mind.”
updated 2 years, 8 months ago
2 Members
·
1
Reply
-
May I please hug you? This is so awful, I truly don’t understand why some people are so hateful.
-
I’m so sorry for your loss OP ❤️
-
This asshole doesn’t deserve even a second thought ..,but I know you need to grieve. You are grieving MANY things not just the baby. I want you to remember you deserve more than you have been given by that man.
-
I am sorry for your loss. Please don’t think you can’t grieve just because you chose abortion: you knew what was best for you, and you did it, and that was the right choice.
But you can still be sad about it.
I promise that things will get better. It might not seem like things will ever be okay right now, and I don’t blame you for feeling like that at all!! But things WILL GET BETTER. I promise you.
Take care friend, love you. 💖
-
Thank you for sharing this part of your story. I’m sorry to hear that so much fell apart so quickly. You definitely deserve better. Sending all the positivity I can muster your way. I wish you the best of luck!
-
Honey I’m so sorry. That’s a terrible situation. It’s perfectly normal to grieve even if you wanted the abortion. It doesn’t mean you are ashamed or made the wrong choice if you feel bad about it, it’s okay to give yourself room to grieve.
What strikes me the most about your story is your lack of agency. Like you gave yourself up to the last drop to try and make someone else happy, in the hopes that it would make you happy too, and then it didn’t. And you can’t give up any more. You went through several very rough weeks. I had a miscarriage, and I am still not over it a year later. My college roommate had an abortion and she went a little crazy because she wasn’t able to process her feelings about it, she ended up dropping out. You have gone through so much in such a short time.
Would it be terrible to stop giving up your agency to make other people happy? To start being really selfish, and only doing what you want to do? I don’t mean in a way that is directly harmful to others, I mean just in a way where you put your wants above the wants of anybody else. Some people, abusive people, will call it violence if you stop giving them your soul. But they’re wrong. It’s yours, it’s your life, you can do only what you want to do with it.
-
You have nothing to be sorry for. I am so saddened to hear you were treated this way, you do not deserve it- you are WORTHY of love and acceptance just the way you fucking are.
Our brains lie to us sometimes. Depression sucks and even if you know it’s something you’re going through right now- its not like knowing that, suddenly snaps you out of it.
Wishing you more good days than bad. And sending you some peace so you can get some rest. I love you. -
I’ve been through an abortion myself. People often don’t realize that even though it’s a choice I made and I do not regret the choice because it was the best one I could make I still mourned the loss of that child. Be kind to yourself. Keep seeing your doctors and get all the help you can for your mental and physical health.
Your partner showed his true colors which is a hard thing to accept but will end up being for the best. Someone who would be so cruel and callous is not someone you want in your life.
Many, many gentle hugs.
-
I’ve heard this quote a couple of times in the last week: “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” Shit can’t last forever. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s a difficult one to be sure. I had an abortion a few years ago, and while it was the best option and one I embrace completely, it was still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Definitely cut contact with the guy. Find yourself a support group of some kind (I hate the religion injected into the recovery community, but they can help if you just need some structure while you get the rest of your life together). You 100% deserve to be happy and healthy and loved, and you need to start with yourself.
-
My narc boyfriend was the same way. They beg for you and then discard at their own pleasure. He even told me I would be a bad mom, too. Do not listen to these awful men. They are weak.
-
I’m really sorry for all this and sending love. I just want to point out (for others this could benefit) that when men say I won’t support you or this baby financially because I don’t want it, it doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately for them that’s not how the law works. Know that you will have financial support even if you make a decision that the other party does not agree with.
-
I am so sorry you lost yourself and your baby. I am also so proud of you for choosing yourself over what you knew would be a neglected child.
Take as long as you need, pick up the pieces of you you’ve left behind in giving yourself to another. No mistakes, just your journey. Blessed be sister <3
-
I already left a comment for you, but I want to make sure you know that you are loved. What you did wasn’t easy, but necessary for you.
You did the right thing. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve happiness.
-
Very sorry about this enormously hard and challenging moment. You mentioned it in your post “I know a lot of the depression is hormonal” and perhaps this is what you’re referring to but just in case you weren’t aware: you will likely have 6 or more weeks of roller coaster emotions due to the fact that you were pregnant. This happens also to women who miscarry. Mood swings, tears, etc – these are normal. That doesn’t make the suffering less real or less hard. But it might offer some hope that some of that burden will get better in a few weeks time when your body stabilizes.
As for your statement “a lot of this is my own doing” – I can’t analyze the truth in that not knowing you, but I will say that pain and loss are real and exist regardless of the circumstances that lead you there. And you’re entitled to feel grief, sadness, pity, anger, etc. Your emotional reaction is not regulated by causality – you feel how you feel. Be gentle with yourself and DON’T SHOOT THE SECOND ARROW. By that I mean: Life hit you with the first arrow of sucky painful circumstances. Don’t stand over yourself and shoot the second arrow saying “I should feel this way” or “I shouldn’t feel that way” or “I don’t deserve to be upset”. The wound is real and it needs to heal. Wishing you smoother days ahead OP.
-
I get the feeling he will change his mind and try to reconcile. Just don’t
