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Discussion
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Please excuse me if anything I say sounds ignorant/etc. I’m just trying to get some advice based off of an experience I had yesterday.
For context, I’m a gay cis guy. I’m pretty small and lanky and I don’t think I could be seen as threatening in any way lol. I don’t have any romantic intentions at all when talking to women. I also have autism which messes with my social skills a lot and leads me to missing lots of cues I otherwise would’ve gotten. I have social anxiety and have been trying to work on it by coming out of my shell more often/talking to strangers. Not making excuses here, it’s just so you folks know where I’m coming from.
I was out riding/exploring the other day on my electric skateboard and I came across a little restricted access road under a bridge. The road actually connects to the highway (which the bridge serves) but no one except maintenance is allowed on it. So I’m sorta just sitting there enjoying the view from the side of the highway, when I notice two friendly looking women laughing and talking and taking pics of the sunset on the roadside multi use path. I was in a pretty good mood so I said, “pretty decent view, right?”
And one of them yelled back, “ew, I don’t want to talk to you, I’m taken” and they both walked off …
Yeah. Kind of shook me a bit since I didn’t know I was coming off that way, but after reading some of the posts on here I understand where she was coming from. I enjoy talking to women though! Which kinda sucks. You know, stereotypical gay guy with a bunch of his girl friends.
Do you folks think there’s some way I can approach a stranger without coming off as overly creepy, or should I just not? Or was this a one off thing? I’m a bit lost here.
And as always, fuck the patriarchy ☺️
edit: here’s the sunset in question lol https://imgur.com/a/AabXTYw
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Is there a way to talk to women without coming off as a creep?
updated 1 year, 9 months ago
2 Members
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That wasn’t a reaction to you. That was a reaction to previous experiences. They wanted to shut down all possible interaction before problems could happen.
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They may have thought you were referring to them when you said “nice view.”
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Their response was rude, and almost definitely based on past experiences where the only way to make a man leave you alone is to be blatantly rude, because sometimes even being neutral and disinterested isn’t enough.
Right now, I am extremely uncomfortable with men approaching me (and I didn’t really *like* it before!) and I’d be pretty annoyed if I were just taking pictures with my friend and a dude invited himself into that moment. It would make me feel like while I was being carefree, there was a man watching me *and now he wants me to know that he noticed me*. I think for a lot of women, especially right now, a major source of discomfort is that it feels like you can’t escape from men’s eyes on you, and a lot of men are becoming increasingly aggressive “watchers”. I’ve also known plenty of men who were genuinely surprised to know that they could be considered even remotely threatening, but sometimes it’s not really about physical size.
I know you didn’t mean any harm and you were just being friendly. I’d say that a good rule of thumb is to just let women decide if they want to approach you. I think you could probably relax this a little if you’re with women friends and you’re in a situation where it makes sense to mingle with strangers.
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I’m sorry you experienced that – that was rude to hear. I will say if you’re in a ‘little restricted area’ where ‘no one except maintenance is allowed on it I would imagine its not an area that immediately d might feel safe. While there were two of them and they likely feel safe, one cannot overestimate how conscious women can be of their safety in a lot of public spaces when everything is heightened. I think it may have been a one-off thing but being sensitive to group dynamics – like if they’re having a private conversation – and physical safety is going to help you in the long run.
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I’m sorry you had that experience. The honest truth is every women had been assaulted or harassed at least once in their life. And now that the country is officially anti-woman and we have crazy Christian zealots speaking actual hate and violence toward women, it’s hard to be open to any type of conversation. It’s not all men, but it’s all men to us.
I’m happy to talk to you anytime, but you have to understand where we’re coming from… we’re literally under attack. -
Their reaction was rude, so I’m not excusing it. Women are really under threat these days. I don’t know if you’re in a red state, but red states that don’t allow for abortion even in cases of rape, have essentially given the green light to rapists who’d like to pick who the mother of their children will be. So, women are probably going to generally be more hostile to perceived advances from men for the foreseeable future, especially in red or purple states. I don’t know what to say other than it is what it is. Probably the best thing to do would be to join small groups, like book clubs and stuff. That way there’s purpose behind the interaction and room room for them to get to know you and understand you’re an ally.
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I get wanting to be more social, that sounds like a fantastic goal!
Understand that approaching strangers may not go well regularly as a lot of people find it uncomfortable. You may have more success working on being friendly where interaction is expected and more socially acceptable. You could join a group like a book club, or a social fitness group like November Project or a bike/run/walk group. Maybe volunteer as a crossing guard or at a shelter (for people or animals!), or anything that aligns with your interest. If you have a reason to talk to a stranger, it always seems more appropriate to me than a random person trying to chat me up since I don’t know their intention.
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I agree with most of the women here about being tired of interaction and a miscommunication. I do want to add one thing though. Please don’t assume you’re not threatening because of your size. Based on my experiences in varying levels of assault, the men I’ve come across that are more aggressive have ALWAYS been the small, short, or less muscular size. If I’m being super honest, also white. I try very hard not to carry this to every interaction because it’s not true for every guy (basically my brother is easily described as this and he wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it hurt his kids). All this to just kindly say, don’t assume you’re not threatening. If I was alone or with only one other female, I would personally be very alarmed and do anything to get out of that situation.
Based on their reaction to be hurtful/rude rather than passively/awkwardly dismissive, they weren’t threatened but probably thinking you were talking about them and not the scenery.
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Sounds like they were looking to be offended. I’m betting they thought the view you were talking about was them rather than the sunset they were clearly taking pictures of. You didn’t do anything wrong so chalk this one up to miscommunication
One thing I will add is this: women are bombarded with unwanted attention all day, online and offline. Even if its not creepy or harassment or abuse, its unwanted and its exhausting. Sometimes the best thing to do is say nothing and let people exist in peace.
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It doesn’t sound like you did anything objectively offensive, but some women, for reasons that are infinitely variable, go through life with their shields always up where interactions with unknown men are concerned. The fact is that we can’t tell the chill gay guy who just wants to start a conversation about a beautiful sunset from the creeper who will take any non-hostile interaction as an excuse to push boundaries or worse just by looking at him, even the small and lanky guys can be a threat if they put their mind to it, and some women are less willing to risk those odds than others. That’s their right. I don’t think you’d be out of line by trying to start this type of innocuous conversation with someone else, just try not to take it personally if you get the same reaction- it’s not about you, it’s about them doing what they need to in order to feel safe.
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It’s a loaded statement intended to create emotional space and maintain physical distance delivered harshly and yet childishly at the same time.
taking into account this is a semi-private moment of emotional bonding between these two women through their shared laughter, I would rate this as a 5 on a 1-10 rude scale
The self-invite was intrusive. It would be more appropriate if both parties were walking on the path in opposite directions, noticed the view the while passing you mention, nice view eh?
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I’m also an autistic cis guy who is worried about coming across as creepy to women (except I’m asexual instead).
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I would take this as more of a one off thing. It was a rude response. Your comment could have been seen as a pick up line (them being the view). It could also be that the environment was too risky to be friendly, being out of the way where no one else could hear them or help in any way. It could be their past experience. It could be that they’re just egotistical assholes who respond this way anytime a man speaks to them. Try not to take it too hard. The fact that you’re mindful of this goes a long way.
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I don’t think the reaction was very nice at all, and I’m not making excuses for them. But I’ll say that I really don’t like it when men approach me on the street or out in open spaces where there’s not a crowd. Like, if some guy on the street starts talking to me I’ll ignore him. I’ve had too many bad experiences with men who seemed friendly to take chances. This of course, isn’t anything you did wrong. But her reaction was probably more of a reflex than anything.
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“We were just hanging out at the park and this guy started talking to us” is the start of nearly every bad encounter I’ve had with a strange man in public. She was “rude” because the majority of those stories continue on to say “and he just would NOT leave us alone, no matter how much we told him no”.
It’s unfair that women see you as a threat if you aren’t one, 100%. It’s also super unfair that women have to worry about literally being murdered for being too rude to a man. If you genuinely understand this power imbalance and you are generally aware of how men, not you but *men in genera*l, make women feel then you should be ok.
The next time your feelings are hurt over something like this (totally valid) please think about it from their perspective. How could she have known the type of person you are based on one single comment? This isn’t rhetorical. Really think about this from her perspective..How do you think women assess which men will be threats to our safety in public and which are safe?
We literally can’t.
