Unfamiliar territory with Christians Help?

[booh-bee]

This might be a lil long.

So, for a lil background, I’m 24F & being Wiccan is my life. I was raised in a partially Pagan & Buddhist household, went to a Unitarian Universalist church (google em, they ROCK. We had athiest, witches, Jewish folk, and Buddhists in our congregation!) and just all around had a life experience FAR away from the norm of Christianity. I consider myself very lucky in a way!

My partner is an athiest, he was raised Christian but through his adult life, left that faith because of his own beliefs and issues with Christianity. But his parents are devout Christians. I’m talking his dad tried to “court” him off to some girl he never met in his younger days.

His parents are divorced & tbh I only ever see his mom. I haven’t met his dad yet & I think it’s bc my partner is trying to protect me from that.

Regardless, his mom is a nice lady but super conservative & views things backwards. My partner’s sibling just came out as trans, and their mom has already deadnamed and misgendered her at the last dinner. I didnt correct her bc tbh I forgot his sisters deadname & had no idea who his mom was talking about.

I’m friends with my partner’s ex wife who is also an athiest & she warned me that his mother will say the meanest shit to you with a bat of eyelashes and a syrupy sweet smile. His mom also didn’t seem to WANT to believe that we were dating even after living together for 8 months. She sounded so shocked when she finally put it together & saw it on facebook (my partner wont add her so she looks at hus page lol) Her first question to him, “Well, does she honor you like she should?” I’m sorry, what?????? HONOR him???? What is this, the 1800s??? I had had dinner with her so many times, kissed my partner so many times, how did she not know? Makes me feel like she couldnt even consider that possiblity bc I’m not good enough for her son /eyeroll

So that brings me to my question. I have next to NO good experience with talking/interacting with people that devote Christian. They usually make me highly uncomfortable & I usually end up getting snippy bc people like that have such strange and irritating views. I dont want to be a people pleaser, as thats something I struggle with, but I also don’t want to be as aggressive as I normally am. Do you guys have any tips on how to engage politely with them while still standing my ground? I feel like it’s ingrained in me to hate Christianity, but that doesn’t mean they’re not people with feelings. I wont let her disrespect the LGBT or be racist, but how do I go about it in a way that I don’t chop her head off with my words? I feel like my first instinct is to be MEAN.

Thanks in advance & blessed be 🖤

Discussion

[TransPrincessUwU]

Awesome that you went to a UU church uwu.

[AllAbortionsareMoral]

You know how she was shocked when you said you planned on getting more tattoos after she admonished you for them? You got to see how she gets her Narc supply.

So, specifically, it sounds like she is trying to get you to beg for her validation. She wants to be seen as superior to you, and that you need her approval.

This is one of those cases where you very much dont want to people please, because any that you do will be considered weakness, not kindness.

Cheerful but firm was the best way to go. You are doing great.

“Well, that was a weird thing to say to a guest of your child” or “did you really not notice for that long?” If you are feeling bitchy

Call her out of you want to, or just disengage if you prefer, but she’s going to keep needling you because she feels superior to you. Calling her out on shitty behavior will probably make her disappear for a while. After all, if everyone knows she is the shitty one then her supply is gone.

[Few_Improvement_6357]

Proverbs 21:2. A person may think their own ways are right but God weighs the heart.

Luke 6:37 Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.

1 John 4:20 Whoever claims to love God but hates a brother or a sister is a liar. For whoever hates their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.

[POAndrea]

Since “Does she honor you like she should?” probably means you are obedient and have the kind of sex he wants whenever he wants, I think the best response is “I prefer not to discuss sexual practices with anyone other than my partner.” Or play stupid and say “I don’t understand. Would you please explain? I STILL don’t understand. How do YOU honor your spouse?” People are usually pretty uncomfortable when you ask them to explain, specifically and in great detail, the inappropriate or generally crappy things they usually just hint at.

I think it might also be helpful to do a little reframing , at least in this situation. I’m not sure it’s as productive to “hate Christianity” as to object to the way your partner’s mother behaves. (Even though sometimes I wonder that they might at heart be the same thing?) If you want her to ever respect your own religious beliefs instead of hating them (and you?) then it’s probably a good idea not to hate on something that’s important to her (at least not in her presence, anyway.) Model the behavior you expect from her by treating everyone–including her–in that same manner. I read in the comments that your partner is calm when under stress like this–do you think you could watch how he interacts with her and do what he does? I think it’s awesome that you were raised in such an inclusive environment, and I wonder if members of other traditions might have some tactics or tricks you could use in dealing with the Christian Smite (I mean Right.)

I work with a Very Nice Christian Lady (or at least she like to think she’s nice) and I’ve found the most useful response is “THat’s an interesting observation/perspective. Even I don’t agree, I thank you for sharing it with me.” As long as I don’t say anything more than that–no engagement, no further disagreement or arguing–it doesn’t go any further than that and we’re able to cooperate quite well on projects and shared goals.

[OfLiliesAndRemains]

I think it’s important to make a distinction in you mind that seems to be missing right now. She’s not a devout Christian. She’s a devout conservative. And the conservatism takes priority over the Christianity. If her minister would come out and say that he’d had a vision from god and that god told him they got it all wrong and god is all about love so they should all become progressive leftists they would dump the minister, not the conservatism. A lot of people make this mistake. That’s because conservatives like clinging to Christianity because they like old traditions and “hard truths”. They feel like that gives weight, authority to their claims about morality and society. But all of their christian reasoning is post-hoc. That is to say, they don’t like progress and change first, and then look to Christianity, “natural law” or “the fabric of society” to find reasons to legitimize those feelings. Feelings first and then they find reasons.

You can see this happen with conservatives all over the world. East Asian religions generally have no specific mentions or bans on queerness. But queer people are still being discriminated against by conservatives there too. They just found different post hoc justifications. They will argue that a queer child is being selfish for denying their parents grand children. Or that they expect too much from society by wanting protections for queer people or things like gay marriage. Conservative atheists like YouTube personality Sargon of Akkad will come up with arguments from “evolutionary psychology” to argue against the acceptance of gay people.

you can pray 10 times a day, attend church every Sunday, know the bible inside and out, not eat pork or shellfish, not mix meat and dairy or wear clothes woven from two different fabrics, generally be like the most devout of Christians and still be a progressive leftist. If you want to engage with her constructively, you have to realize that her conservatism comes from her uneasiness about change and progress, not her Christianity. That’s just her safety blanket.

[booh-bee]

I appreciate all the comments! I don’t have the mental energy to respond whole heartedly to them all, but they’re ALL helpful and I appreciate all of them in their own way!

I’d like to add, MIL is not, by any means, a narcissist! Shes just one of “those” 👀 christians. My “sperm donor” (not calling him dad lol) is absolutely 100% hands down diagnosed Narc and I have a LOT of experience with dealing with them. I was hoping for more advice on how to, for lack of a better term, NOT fly off the handle/comfort myself from any bad interactions I think! But plenty of you gave me that or advice I can apply 🖤

Her comments about my tattoos— you gotta remember her world is VERY small, and my partner hasn’t dated people with my “style”. I think she was genuinely worried for me lol. BUT! I still think that she isn’t out to get me per-say, but I think she will just silently disapprove.

Plus I’m like 99% sure that if I wanted or had to go NC with her, my partner would just be like “How can I help?” Lol. He would never force me to be family with her if it comes to it!

edit to add: MIL strikes me more as the type who is deeply insecure & brainwashed by their religion, lacking the world experience to see outside their own perspective, and mostly spent their whole life being subservient to shitty men. So I think there’s a deeper level to this as to why I want to be kind about it!!!

[JessieU22]

Okay my memory on UU is that it’s similar to Religious Science. If a relationship with his mom is important as A Religious scientist the theory is that there are universal truths in all faiths and that many religions use dogma and ritual to illustrate these truths in a kinesthetic level., by doing. So as a Religious Scientist I am encouraged by the philosophy to boil down and analyze any religious service to the universal truth all faiths share and that I too believe and support. You could using this technique breath when confronted and decipher the universal truth behind the statement and restate it. “ I too believe in caring for others”.

Chances are your not going to change her mind. So this could be an opportunity to practice boundaries. In particular by not sharing too much with her, as she’s likely not receptive.

Another thought if she makes you crazy is to sit down and use the mantra: I send you love. You deserve love insert name here , until your calm.

You have a right not to be open or expose your vulnerability to someone who will abuse it.

Also who do you want to be? Someone who puts joy and love out into the world and has it reflect back to you? Gamify it. Your goal is not connection but to grow and represent.

And if none of this gels you can get some distance from dysfunction by playing this game with yourself and or others. Predict what she’ll say and see how long it takes for her to do it. This is a good Thanksgiving round the table game when people around you be whack. Like dysfunction bingo.